I've been feeling out of sorts for about a couple of weeks now, the culmination (or current culmination, more aptly) of something not great happening. Now, in the grand scheme of not great things, this is probably a 1 on a scale of 1 to 100. But still, I've been down. It's enough a work thing that I don't want to be here, and enough a home thing that I don't want to be there.
I'm trying not to open my mouth because I'm afraid of what I'll say. What comes out of my mouth sounds false no matter what it is. "Hello" in the store sounds wrong, even.
When I'm down, I get through by holding onto things. This morning, I'm holding onto a blue "chamois" shirt, not the leather, but the cotton. The fabric's a little thicker than regular cotton.
Some years ago, my friend B gave me this shirt because I'd admired one she had. I wore it occasionally as a sort of makeshift sweater because buttoning it and all was a little tight. But today for the first time, I'm wearing it as a shirt, tucked in over my long johns.
That's what I'm holding onto today. I can tuck in a shirt that used to feel too thick to tuck in, and I can tuck it in over long johns, into my jeans, and they don't feel too tight.
I've lost about 10 pounds since the beginning of October, when I really put my foot down and decided it was time to finally lose the rest of the weight I need to lose. That's incredibly slow weight loss, but at least it's incrementally something, and wearing this shirt feels like the first sort of "evidence" I have for myself that I've succeeded a little for now.
Last evening, I needed to do some grocery shopping. In the past, when I've been down, I've turned to chocolate; my weaknesses center on chocolate covered malt balls, chocolate covered raisins, and when things are at their apex, chocolate covered "honeycomb." I assiduously avoided the aisles with candy and such yesterday, and when I was hungry at home, had some chicken salad. So I'm holding onto that today, too.
A ten year old shirt and chicken salad. That's what things have come down to today. FSM, I'm pathetic.