I went to my well woman visit thing last week, and the doctor strongly encouraged me to lose weight. Strongly. Or else bad things will happen at some point in the not so distant future.
I get really stressy about anything medical. Anything. So I make the appointment, and then I stress out for two months about it (It would be SO less stressful if you could get an appointment in less than two months!). I fret and worry and stress. And then it's not actually that bad, and I wonder why I get so stressy. (Weirdly, I don't stress at all about donating blood, or I simply wouldn't do it. I don't know why, but my blood pressure when I donate is about 20 points lower for the top number than when I go for the well woman check. They always have to check it twice, and it drops after a while to way less scary.)
I had to go have a blood lab thing yesterday, and the guy took one look at my arm and said he would use a really tiny needle. But I said that I give blood a lot (obvious from the line of scars) and that he should use whatever big honking needle they use for that, and it would be fine. And he looked doubtful, but he did, and indeed it was fine. Now I have to wait to see if bad things have already started to happen. And I'm a little stressy about that, too.
So, I need to lose weight. I just have to decide that I really want to enough to do without sugary stuff in a strict way, and I can. But boy, that's a hard decision for real. If I were all dramatic about it, I'd wave my arms and talk about quality of life. But it's just sugar, right? Mmmm, sugar.
So, on Sunday, I started being strict. And it's going okay. But I went out biking a bit yesterday, and my legs were sad. I biked the Cty C hill, out 8 miles and back(the hill part is about a mile long, and steep for me, but would barely count as a pimple in the landscape for the Tour men; after that it's a mildly rolly ride). And by the way back, my legs were sad. I've got to find a balance between being strict and eating food that works for biking.
About 10 years ago, I lost 25 pounds being very strict. And I've gained most of it back, mostly within the past year. :( So I know I can lose it, but I think I'm going to not be quite as strict (when I go out to dinner with friends, for example). I also exercise a whole lot more than I did 10 years ago, so hopefully I can balance things out.
I can't bring myself to think about how much I should aim to lose. :(
***I wrote that part earlier, and then went for my Wednesday group ride a bit ago. It's a slower ride and less hilly, but longer, and my legs were way better. I tried to make sure I had eaten a bit better and drank a lot of water. BUT, on a regular "work out" ride, my average heart rate is about 154 for the hour or hour and a half, and on this ride my average rate was 142. So I know I don't work nearly as hard on these rides. But they're fun rides and I like the group folks.***
I'm about to hit the big 50. A couple of my friends are throwing me a party. I'm feeling a little awkward about it, but also good. I just chatted with one of the really good cook folks, and she's going to bake me a cake. (That will blow the "strict" thing for the day, but that's okay.)
I have to decide about asking my sibling and his family. The thing is, I'm not out with my family, but at this party, they'd have to be incredibly obtuse to not notice that there are a lot of lesbians.
I think my brother would be okay. I know my sister in law will be fine.
But I grew up with a mother who lectured me a lot about how horrible "homos" are. In fact, the last big fight I had with her (probably 15 years ago now), she was insisting that gay marriage was an insult to her marriage, and I dared to say that it wasn't, and she said that basically I didn't have a right to an opinion because she is my mother and blah blah. So I told her that if I weren't allowed to express a differing opinion, then she couldn't talk politics at me. Period. And I've pretty much shut down every attempt she's made since to say anything political. (A few years after my father died, she said she'd decided that maybe gay marriage wasn't such a horrible idea after all.)
So, it's just been easier never to say anything to her. (I haven't told her anything meaningful about my personal life for years before that, because she thinks my business is everyone's business. Seriously, when I was in high school she'd meet some friend at a restaurant, and then I'd walk up from the restroom, and the stranger would tell me about how they'd been talking about my period or my failing a school quiz.)
And I'm a coward. Have I mentioned that before? Yes, I'm a coward. COWARD.
So I have to decide to tell my brother. And then my Mom will inevitably find out. So I should probably mention it to her before that. And then there will be fireworks simply because I'm an uncommunicative and horrible daughter who should have told her years ago. And that's true. I am uncommunicative.