Friday, June 15, 2012


What with the news lately, I thought I should take time to reassure you that I ride clean.  Well, not really clean, because I get chain tatoos (or "noob marks") just looking at my bike.  How does that even happen?

What I can claim, is that I don't blood dope.  That's assuming that hormonal birth control doesn't count as blood doping.  I don't think a little regular hormones counts, right? 

I do drink a fair bit of coffee.  Please dog that never gets outlawed!

And while my blood has never actually been tested for doping stuff that I know of, the Red Cross tests it regularly (when I donate) for whatever it is they look for, and I either have it (red blood cells, yay) or don't (a variety of testable diseases, boo!), and they keep calling me every eight weeks for more.

Further, my performance on the bike (and elsewhere) demonstrates that I haven't suddenly become a super biker with great endurance or incredible acceleration on hills to drop whomever I'm riding with.  I can't accelerate convincingly away from mailboxes. 

I've also never won a race.  I think it's obvious that I haven't won because I've never actually entered a race, but there may be other factors in play.  The closest I get to "pro" on a bike is putting my sunglass earpieces on the outside of my helmet straps.  (I still have my lawyer tabs and dork discs in place, though I did lose one of the wheel reflectors a while back.)

So for those of you who follow my biking, you can be reassured!  You will have to ride slowly, or you won't be following for long, though.

This message brought to you by the letters E, P, and O, and the dollar sign.

1 comment:

  1. Hilarious! I don't even follow biking enough to know what lawyer tabs and dork discs are (unless the latter are the reflectors that we all had on our wheels as kids), but I laughed. :-)